The Group Chat of Beatrice Portinari’s Friends After the Publication of the Divine Comedy

Did you guys read it yet?

Read what

Wait what are we talking about

Do you remember that guy who was obsessed with Beatrice in like, 1240?

No

He got exiled?

He was a Guelph?

Oh

Not really

But ok

She said hi to him in the street once and he almost passed out?

Oh 

That guy.  

Why

He wrote an epic poem 

And it’s super weird 

And Beatrice is in it

Like, a lot

Oh. That’s weird. 

Wait sorry, are we talking about that Banker’s brother?

no

No sorry this is someone different it’s way weirder. 

Uhhhh do you remember that guy who had a panic attack at Mathilda’s wedding?

OH YEAH!!!! Ohhh the one that was like crying on the wall haha

Haha Yeah! 

Yeah. That guy.

so he wrote a poem about her? 

That’s kind of weird but like, ok. Maybe nice. Were they friends

No

I mean...

Wait, they weren’t?

No

Ok Sorry I’m milking the goats rn so I’m distracted, gonna look it up later.

…So ok, but you read it, right?

Yeah.

Ok so... they didn’t know each other right? Like am I making this up or were they like secret besties or?

Uh she was really nice to him a couple of times. 

She was really nice to everyone.

Yeah. I think that’s it.

Wtf

Yeah.

Does her mom know?

Yeah. It’s weird, she cried.

Fuck that guy! 

Yeah. 

It could be worse I guess. like... like 99.9 of the poem is about how Rome totally sucks now. Everyone’s like on fire or whatever. She could be like a suicide tree. But she’s like... the voice of god.

WAIT. Wait!!! SHE’S THE GUARDIAN OF HEAVEN?!!!!!

She is GOD’S HOLY VOICE?!!!!!

Sorry I finally caught up, finished milking.

yeah

Yeah dude

WHAT????

Yeah. 

idk

Not to be a dick but she was going to hell circle with gossip for sure 

Yeah. Or lust 

LOL YEAH remember that other banker guy??

Lmaoooooo

Are you all gonna keep reading?

I guess. Are you?

No

I mean actually yeah

I miss her, you know?

Me too. 

Me too.

—

**this is very much influenced by Daniel Lavery’s “texts from jane eyre.”