“It is a very difficult era in which to be a person, just a real, actual person, instead of a collection of personality traits selected from an endless Automat of characters.” — Gillian Flynn, Gone Girl

You have to find out which character you are on the Queer Ultimatum or you won’t have lived a full and self-actualized life.

“I don’t think personality quizzes based on reality tv stars matter that much.” That’s wrong and you’re wrong for thinking it.

“H, I haven’t even seen the Queer Ultimatum and have no plans to.” Thank god, there is still goodness in this world. Still, you have to know.

“I’m busy actually trying to fight all of the seismic apocalyptic issues we face in this terrible world.” It doesn’t matter, none of it matters if you don’t know which one of these queer maladjusts exhibit behavior clusters similar to your own.

If it makes you feel better you can read the corresponding boring local municipal version — but right now it’s time to understand yourself.

What is a Queer Ultimatum?

As Tracey Ann Duncan wrote: “The Ultimatum: Queer Love,” a reality TV show in the vein of Love is Blind, has become a bonafide cultural zeitgeist — partly because We the People are basically starving for queer drama, and we will take what we can get, even when what we get is overproduced and underwhelming.

But who cares? None of that matters if you can’t find yourself and your own terrible toxic behavior within the archetypes presented in this show about power struggle — uh, queer dating.

No more delays. Let’s get into it.

How It Works

I couldn’t figure out how to pay for the AI personality quiz tools so we’re doing this analysis manually, with basic math.

First and foremost: for each question, pick the letter of the answer that feels most like you.

At the end of this journey, tally up the number of each letter you receive.

If you end up with two or more of the same letter, look at the picture above and decide who you are based on the outfits you’re most likely to wear.

This is all worth it, I promise. Even if you have to write it down on a piece of paper or something. Who has paper just like, sitting around near them? At any rate, it’s worth it.

Because again, your life will be incomplete, all of your decisions inadequate, until you know — once and for all — which Queer Ultimatum Character Are You — that you are.

PS — You cannot get Natasha. That’s too easy.

Question 1: So. You Know — Marriage?

A. Marriage is a BOND it’s about COMMITMENT and LOVE and LIFE so. I guess I feel normal about it.

B. It's a transformative experience that transcends gender and sexual orientation.

C. I just want to be two souls united in a bond that is both sacred and legally recognized you know?

D. Ahhh. Hmm. That’s important to think about, I think.

E. It’s about the possibility of a lifelong partnership filled with love, support, and companionship.

F. Not for me. I feel like that sounds bad but uh. It’s not.

G. Marriage holds a special significance in my life. Of some kind.

H. Marriage is a personal choice that affirms love and dedication.

I. Good question. I’m straight so I don’t know, but that’s very interesting to think about.

Question 2: How do you identify in terms of your gender and sexuality? Hahaha this is extremely chill and not fraught.

A. I am a full complicated person and being proud of who you are is the best damn feeling in the world!!!

B. I just feel like you’re not taking my dog’s gender OR sexuality seriously.

C. I embrace the fluidity of gender and sexuality with a sense of liberation and authenticity.

D. I’m so sorry, I have to leave. right now, actually.

E. Being queer allows me to challenge societal norms and explore the complexities of gender and sexuality.

F. I celebrate the freedom to love and be attracted to whomever my heart connects with, regardless of traditional labels or boundaries.

G. I’m still trying to figure it out.

H. I embrace the fluidity of gender and sexuality with a sense of liberation and authenticity.

I. Sexuality and romantic identity is complicated and fluid for most people! Not for me though, I’m straight.

Question 3: Describe your perfect first date.

A. I love life I love love I don’t care where we are, I am here for love and dedication and support and love.

B. I am here first and foremost for my dog, and if she cannot sit at the table with us, I am not afraid to leave.

C. If you can’t choose a restaurant I guess my question is why aren’t you willing to be responsible for your actions?

D. I’ve got my backpack and I’m ready for anything as long as there is no yelling or anything I perceive as yelling and then I will have to leave.

E. I want it to be meaningful and enjoyable so we both feel able to be open.

F. If it’s not an orgy I’m not interested.

G. Creating a memorable experience together.

H. I’m into weird stuff but also good energy. Let’s do something fun — also, I’m never going to say anything more specific than that!

I. Does it matter if I’m straight? I guess let’s get pasta?

Mostly As — Lexi

Lexi seems to be a weird queer ideal in spite of the fact that she is 24 because she has what I can only describe as BTE.

You probably have that, too. Alternatively, you’re a mergers and acquisitions specialist. You like to win. You’ve got a kind of Mob Don power broker confidence, but in a Blonde dyke way — I kind of felt like the Sopranos theme song was playing when Lexi was trying to get Mildred to take down Vanessa, but in a gay way, you know?

At any rate, you’ve got this. Go after what you want, protect the ones you love, and never let a toxic theater kid stand in your way.

Mostly Bs — Tiff

Do you have a dog by any chance? Would you say that your relationship with your dog is… normal?

Honestly, every time I see Tiff on screen, I just think “oh no,” — dog controversy aside, they stress me out because it seems like they are in one of those toxic relationship black holes that never ends and also kind of consumes your whole personality.

Tiff feels like a great example of the ways in which “a personality is just a collection of coping mechanisms,” to quote Peter Levine. Tiff — and by proxy, you — are a good example of how who we are, even to ourselves, is deeply contextual — it’s distorted by time, place, even sensory triggers that remind us of our past. Our desires reflect not just our serious and deepest insecurities, but also aspiration, potential, the people we want to be.

You also have a dog.

Mostly Cs — Mildred

You’re at that stage in your own personal Heroine’s Journey where you believe another way, a different path that breaks the pattern is possible, but what that looks like in practice, in the mundane day to day, still feels impossible to fathom.

You can do this, person, who got Mildred as their answer in this personality quiz!

You can transform yourself, your mind and the world!!!!!

You are Sisyphus, pushing up the eternal rock of queer lesbian drama, and you can still be very happy!!

Mostly Ds — Aussie

Are you ok bro?! No judgment.

I think most trans people would agree: if you videotaped us at the beginning of our transition, it would be terrible no matter who we are or what we were doing. Sorry to Aussie, and also to you, my friend. In spite of all of your quotes about mindfulness you might be a bit… distracted?

PS — If you are Australian, consider whether people are letting you get away with things they shouldn’t because of your very charming accent.

Mostly Es — Sam

Everyone I’ve talked to liked Sam, even if they felt like the AAPI cast was overall done dirty? Idk I’m not equipped to talk about this well but if you are please tell me what you think. Anyway, Sam is sweet, listens, well, and genuinely seems to want the best for herself and her partners, all characteristics you probably exhibit (this quiz was made out of science, so it could tell).

People also seem to like Sam because she said at one point she’s a tarot reader.

Are you a Tarot reader?

Think about changing your life to become one if not — it seems like people would be into it.

Mostly Fs —Vanessa

Vanessa is the unequivocal Villain of the Queer Ultimatum.

Maybe you’re just in your villain era – – either way, without moralizing, it seems like you bring chaotic energy to whatever room you’re in.

That said, in spite of her bad behavior, Vanessa also seems a little tortured.

I’m gay, so I’m prone to “I can fix her” thinking but her vibe in particular has desperate theater-kid energy, which feels unfair for even the most toxic person to have to have.

Though we can’t totally discount the idea that Vanessa could be the victim of producer edits, your results come from choices that you made of your own volition.

And, my friend — your chaos vibe is strong.

I wish you healing.

Mostly Gs — Yoly

Awww I love Yoly!!!! I support u poly girl!!!!

But, oh boy: sometimes when the people around us can’t be supportive, or you’re trying to make too many people happy, no matter how authentically you navigate that conflict, there’s no way out unless you choose to leave it.

You make a lot of oblique faces at Lexi when Vanessa is talking in a way that makes me think you understand power and loyalty. But also you’re not the best at uh, secrets.

You love life! You love people! You appreciate style but you don’t mandate that your partners have style and I think that’s really beautiful!

Mostly Hs— Mal

Wow, look at you! Getting Mal implies deep well-adjustment and serious emotional health. In this economy?

I’m happy for you, but I’m also a little resentful about it.

Though they obviously have an impact on your partners, imo even your flaws are pretty banal: none of us are saving for IVF, man.

Mostly Is — JoAnna Garcia Swisher

You’re straight, which everyone is mad about. But you were also on Reba, which honestly isn’t the worst queer credential in my mind.

I think it’s funny that every conversation about how you’re not queer makes someone mention that the producers of this show unequivocally agreed Vanessa and Nick Lachey would have been eaten alive by a queer cast.

They were right — you’re doing okay all things considered, a paragon of Listening and Learning.

Anyway, sorry that you’re straight. It seems even more rough out there for you.

Maybe you’re reading this thinking “H, you completely forgot about Xander and Rae.“ Did I????? Or did they??? Repression is a hell of a drug.

Please let me know which character is The Truest Representative of Your Soul According to this Quiz, ASAP.

Alternatively, you can tell me which character you’re hoping wins the big prize (sustainable monogamy).

Enjoy this meaningful self reflection?

Consider reading: Which Queer Ultimatum Characters Remind Me of Chicago City Council Members?

Or, if you want to read more weirdo queer stuff (with an emphasis on union drama and niche Chicago City Council gossip), subscribe.

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