how do you know who you have a crush on?

My first year of college, my friend Zoe and I started hanging out a lot.

Eventually, like all gays, this friendship turned into a crush, then a tumultuous relationship, then into a horrible drama filled break up that lasted years, then, eventually, back into a friendship again, a friendship that could withstand conflict, and was based on acceptance.

Pretty dope right?

Anyway, before any of that happened, I was hanging out with Zoe in their dorm room, talking about Batman, or how Jabba the Hutt really just wanted Leia to model his Etsy designs.

They said they liked to spend a lot of time thinking, or to like chill out and stare at the ceiling.

I remember being sort of confused, even disdainful. “I don’t have time for that,“ I remember thinking.

Of course, I had time to scroll mindlessly on archive of our own for hours, spend weeks planning an ugly Halloween costume, and read every single post on MMAhomemadeequipment.com.

But time to think, do nothing? Yeah right.

What a waste of time.

I must’ve said something to that effect out loud.

Zoe looked thoughtful for a second. Then they asked me earnestly, without any trace of irony,

“then how do you know who you have a crush on?”

I was completely taken aback.

For someone who harbored a lot of ludicrous and obsessive crushes, I… somehow didn’t know the answer to this question.

I return to this moment over and over again, whenever someone tells me they don’t have time for writing.

Or whenever my brain says to me “hey! What are you doing just staring at the ceiling? Get a life! Do your taxes! make something useful of yourself!”

Because one thing I notice:

when I make space to zone out, stare at the ceiling, I find it a lot easier to make decisions.

Not just about who I have a crush on, but about —

What I want to do with my life.

If I am living in accordance with my values. What I need to change in order to feel satisfied.

What’s going on with all the ambient feeling swirling around me.

—

Not everyone feels physically able to zone out for an hour or 10 minutes, or even five.

Maybe you don’t want to stare at the ceiling — maybe you draw, or go for walks, or cook.

But next time you think that you don’t have time for reflection, or you don’t have time to write, consider:

how else are you going to know who you have a crush on?