TLDR? Watch the TikTok.

If you’ve watched the queer reality television show The Queer Ultimatum (as queer Substacker Maddy Court called it, “nuclear-level drama”), surely you’ve had a single burning question during your viewing:

Which Queer Ultimatum character best represents prominent members of Chicago’s City Council?

With the finale airing Wednesday, everyone wants to know:

How does this queer reality tv show fit in with niche Chicago politics?

Okay, great, here we go.

The Science Behind the Assigning Chicago City Council Members to Queer Ultimatum Characters

The premise of the Queer Ultimatum is this: 8 unsure couples are brutally honest with one another, dating other people in an attempt to figure out what they really want — and, as always on reality tv, this culminates in immediate marriage.

This premise is particularly important because of science. As esteemed Drs Nick and Vanessa Lachey will tell you, all of their dating shows are based on experimentation.

But unlike the Lacheys, there are limits to our Chicago City Council-specific experiment: there are 50 City Council members, and only 8 members of the Queer Ultimatum cast (thank god).

We also face human limitations: I also didn’t find a corresponding Alder for every single member of the 8-person Queer Ultimatum cast simply because halfway through listing every one of Jim Gardiner’s misdeeds I became deeply, paralyzingly depressed.

I’ve opted here to highlight 3 City Council members who best represent corresponding figures in the chaotic Godfather-esque Queer Ultimatum social order, regardless of their gender identity, internal relationship dynamics within City Council, sexual orientation, or openness to love.

Much like the experimental nature of the Queer Ultimatum itself, this short list is messy.

But queers love mess. Enjoy.

Lexi: Carlos Ramirez-Rosa (35th)

Look. Lexi has done a lot on this show, much of it morally ambiguous. But what stands out most to me were her actions upon deciding that Vanessa was a threat to her relationship, not to mention the institution of marriage.

She identified those who might also find Vanessa to be a threat, appealed to their self-interest, and built a group of people to speak against Vanessa, weird silvery oversized wine glasses in hand.

Organizing works.

Undoubtedly, Lexi’s actual politics are probably alarming (I just checked and she’s a mergers and acquisitions specialist).

But it all fits together, because Lexi is also one of only two show contestants who expresses a desire to win this dating show (though, as a friend said, the people who decide who wins the Queer Ultimatum are the TikTok Lesbians, and nothing can be done to sway their vote).

Here’s a quote in a similar vein from Ramirez-Rosa from an In These Times + Jacobin interview with Alex Han + Stacy Davis Gates:

Alex Han**: We can’t sell ourselves short. On the Left, we’re used to being in a loser mindset. We’re used to losing. I’ve lost a million times over the last twenty-five years. I don’t even understand what it’s like to win. But now, I’m done with losing.

Ramirez-Rosa: Well, I’ve been winning since 2015.

😈😈😈😈😈😈😈

Nice. Though I really felt that quote from Alex, Ramirez-Rosa’s response is refreshing, especially on the Left.

idk, I’ve been winning. Or, to quote Lexi, “being proud of who you are is the best damn feeling in the world.”

Mina Bloom’s recent piece on Ramirez-Rosa is one of the best stories I’ve seen on the actual dynamics of the new progressive City Council. She actually captures the without overselling the power of this bloc as a “political machine” — and she captures Ramirez-Rosas’ emphasis on, well, governing. Not winning to win, reality TV style, but winning because uh… that’s how the Left will change things. Wild.

Though I was rooting for Lexi’s “forget you I’m winning” attitude, it looks different in the context of Ramirez-Rosa’s work because it’s particularly rare among leftists and progressives.

Especially because Ramirez-Rosa’s haters, detractors and enemies are developers rather than awkward queer women who don’t believe in marriage as an institution.

For example, here’s a quote from conservative Alder Spasato in Mina’s article:

In other words: 😈😈😈😈😈😈😈

Nice.

Relevant Quotes:

{I’m not} an “unelected bureaucrat making decisions, a person who may never have visited their community, who doesn’t have intimate knowledge of what residents’ needs are. I’m a big believer in local community voice and in democracy. But there will be exceptions.” — Ramirez-Rosa (35)

“I’ve been described as the Pamela Anderson of our generation,”— Lexi’s IG bio, Queer Ultimatum

Tiff: Walter Burnett Jr (27th)

Some Alders are reprehensible in a gross, tedious way (don’t worry, we’ll talk about them soon).

But there are other Alders, who in spite of their fairly reprehensible policy decisions and questionable use of power, I truly enjoy watching. Not all of these Alders are political machine holdovers, but many of them are.

Similar to how I feel when watching Succession, I enjoy their antics, even when their antics are sometimes actively harmful.

Walter Burnett Jr. is the second kind of Alder.

I follow Burnett Jr. with less animosity than is deserved in part because he is politically unkillable.

After backing Vallas, Burnett described himself as “old school” to the Sun-Times, acknowledging that he knew the “old way” of Chicago politics would mean he would end up without the power he previously had in Council.

And yet, since this concession, Burnett Jr has ascended to the symbolic (?!?!) or not symbolic (!?!?!) role of Vice Mayor, a role with a budget of $400,000 to do… something (?!?!?!)

Political analysts from Fran Spielman to my friends I won’t quote because they have real jobs and this is a blog comparing politicians to lesbian reality stars, have been baffled by this ascendance, even those inside Johnson’s administration.

As a result, Burnett Jr.’s trajectory best reflects Tiff.

Tiff, in spite of repeated bad behavior, has continued to maintain their toxic relationship with Mildred against the odds, even when they take off their microphones and the camera follows them into weird staged pseudo-sex scenes. Tiff also excels at misdirection and just straight up not answering the question in a way that Burnett Jr. has demonstrated proficiency in for decades. They also both love to talk about reconciliation when it’s just… not really the right move.

Tiff and Burnett are both irrepressible in spite of the fact that uh, they kind of maybe could stand to be more repressed.

I also feel like Burnett Jr. reflects Tiff’s own weird “old school” vibes and they’ve skimmed at least one of the same masculinity self-help books. I don’t know, it’s just a feeling I get. Don’t question science, okay?

Relevant Quotes:

“You judge us on reality television. I observe your troll behaviors in real life. We ain't the same. How ya thumbs feeling behind that keyboard homie? Carpel tunnel be real. Stay well ya'all.” — Tiff (on IG), The Ultimatum

“To the victor goes the spoils. The old way.” — Walter Burnett Jr.

Vanessa: Jim Gardiner (45)

I tried to find a less weird picture of Gardiner for *objectivity* but I really struggled. This is as good as it gets. From Block Club Chicago.

Remember Vanessa? You remember Vanessa, obviously!

Vanessa is the unequivocal Villain of the Queer Ultimatum.

Determining the Alder that best matched Vanessa’s chaotic, unnecessarily nasty energy, was easy, maybe even too easy, in an alarming way — a “not very fun way”. So,

Alder Gardiner (45), like our friend Vanessa, is easily characterized as a villain both because of his public and private behavior.

First of all, Gardiner is under FBI investigation.

This, plus his restraining orders from exes, and, as The People’s Fabric reports, his misuse of office to “find embarrassing info on constituents & business owners, explore dating prospects in City Hall, and investigate women he had previously stalked,” has led Alders like Rossana-Rodriguez (and State Reps like Kelly Cassidy) to call for his resignation.

Even the Tribune Editorial Board dislikes Gardiner. I feel like that’s as bad as it gets, when the “here’s what Brandon Johnson can learn from hot dog vendors” guys think you should give it up.

But may more importantly, in a similar way to Vanessa, Gardiner is loud without much power on City Council, especially after the shakeup of this last election. For further background on this science, please see the following tweet. 

“Not much power” is still quite a bit of power — especially considering the long list of allegations you would think disqualify him from office.

But in the first City Council meeting of the year, Gardiner talked at length about his unwillingness to “spend the next four years feeling excluded” during a discussion about City Council assignments. Again, as Alice Yin pointed out in the midst of this speech, Gardiner is under FBI investigation.

In a rare win for reality tv, I have more sympathy for Vanessa than Gardiner.

Here’s the thing: in spite of her bad behavior, Vanessa also has theater-kid energy. This is an unfortunate quality for even the most toxic person. And, like all reality stars, we can’t totally discount the idea that she is the victim of producer edits.

In contrast, her City Council Counterpart, Jim Gardiner has managed to be a creep with zero interference from producers — and he’s still freaking governing.

Worse, he’s complaining about his inability to be “included” with the cool kids while using his power to take giant envelopes of cash from developers and stalk his exes.

So, thanks Jim. You really helped me put this queer dating show in perspective.

Relevant Quotes:

“Going in, my initial mindset was excitement. I was so excited at the concept of being with nine other queer people and getting to know them. I was just excited… and that quickly changed.” — Vanessa, The Queer Ultimatum

 “I didn’t get into politics to be in the “in-crowd”.” — Jim Gardiner, 45th Ward

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