I have spent a lot of time over the years looking at weightlifting memes.  Weightlifting Memes, a subsection of fitness memes, have some overlap with powerlifting Memes, CrossFit Memes, MMA Memes, and jujitsu Memes.  And all of these Memes have some overlap with anything tagged #gainz --

A couple of years ago I saw a CrossFit meme tagged with #gainz. I looked for it for a while but couldn’t find it, so I am left paraphrasing and saying things like “The meme template” to describe it.

In the meme, Fry from Futurama is squinting, looking confused. He is wearing a cartoon leopard print shirt that I think is supposed to be a caveman outfit (Crossfit, as you may already know, is all about Paleo).

He says:

“So... you sleep 9 hours a night, take 15 supplements a day, eat a high protein ratio, meditate… all so you can lift heavy things with... no functional purpose? Sounds expensive, brah.”

The caption was “inefficient #gainz #crossfitsucks“

I think about this meme every time I write fiction. Or, more accurately, every time I intend to write fiction.

Sounds expensive, brah.

Anyone who writes fiction, or writes anything really, could tell you... it takes a lot.

Or at least, it takes a lot for me. I spent six years unaware of (or at least ignoring) my ADD, my anxiety and various other mood disorders. It was easy to ignore them because I was working in “social change,” specifically “rapid response.”

This meant hours sending many, many, rapidfire messages to reporters, editors, activists, social media accounts, asking them to PLEASE SHARE or TAKE ACTION NOW or GIVE ME A CALL BACK, WHEN YOU GET A MINUTE, BUT IDEALLY IN THE NEXT HOUR, PLEASE.

Every now and again, someone would suggest we spend some more time thinking deeply about strategy, messaging, what exactly we were trying to do. They might even suggest something a little less involved, like writing an opinion piece, or a letter to the editor.

Inevitably someone else would say, explicitly or implied…

We don’t have time for that.

Or... in essence...

Sounds expensive, brah.

I don’t mean to imply that all social change work mandates urgency.

In fact, stepping away from the work I was doing for so long has been about me engaging with social change work in different spaces, learning what in my reaction to certain stimuli is about me and my feelings v. what is about truly moving something worthwhile forward.

But whenever I sit down after taking 3 million supplements, working through my DBT workbook, making sure I am properly medicated, have slept, meditated, eaten, have solicited feedback from other people on how to get better, checked the news but not too much about the ongoing and dire fight to stop this pandemic, climate change, and fascism before it’s too late, all I can think is:

Sounds expensive, Brah.

My brain, disordered as it is, is smarter than I am. I don’t think it is going to let me do anything but write fiction until I learn how to write fiction and keep writing fiction, no matter what I’m doing.

--

I am often challenged by how I feel. Or at least, understanding how I feel.

It’s weird, because when I think about things that have changed my feelings, helped me grow. Some of that has happened through conversations with people I care about. But a lot of it happened through reading books.

Reading books that reflected my experience back to me, or made me understand the limits of my own experience.

Peter Levine talks about bibliotherapy, or engaging with new ideas about your experience, new tools or resources, through books before ever talking to someone about it.

Bibliotherapy feels like something so many of us do instinctually. (especially on Twitter.)

It’s also… Ancient, no? That’s why we have… Religious texts. Gilgamesh. What’s left behind in caves.

Books have deeply expanded our worldview, shaped things that we are proud of about ourselves, more so than any other modality. If you don’t feel things, or struggle to feel, engaging with feelings through books, can be some of the best ways to reengage with your own feelings.

So, I guess the answer is… It is expensive, brah.

But it’s worth doing.

- H